Sunday, June 12, 2011

because i saw you playing with it. that's why.

Why do we all want what we cannot have?

I believe there isn't a soul on earth who has never experienced this as a truth. From youth, we are given the beginning of 'our stuff' - these are the toys and trinkets that our caregivers give us in an attempt to stimulate our brains or appease our appetites. Even if that toy was every thing we ever wanted, it will eventually end up in a corner of the room at some point. Forgotten for the next thing that we absolutely need.

Forgotten until the next appreciative soul comes along and falls in love with your toy the way you did once... There you are, holding your newest something-or-another when you see, from the corner of your eye, Billy is holding last years treasure of choice. This is infuriating! Outrageous! That toy does not belong to Billy, does it? Why, you were just about to pick it back up and spin it around again, weren't you?
And it never goes away.

Remember?

You're still doing it. When you broke up with Simon (bob, jill, jenny, carly, kara, etc.) you might have done so on mutual terms. You might have strung him up and watched him write. Perhaps he was the reason you cried yourself to sleep every night. Amicable or otherwise, a relationship ending is a relationship ending, and there are several truths to what happens next:

The Beginning
Blame. Sorrow. Very few relationships end on a happy note. Even if they do, you'll still get the same results later on down the road. What's yours is yours, what's mine is mine. Something happened to get you to this point. You slept with her brother, she slept with your dad, your bank account was frozen, or perhaps you just got fucking bored with each others shit.

The Attempt
We can just be friends, right? We can use a sword of hated to sear ourselves apart, but don't worry, because later we'll talk about the weather and this years current hairstyle. Suddenly, you pique each others interest again, because you know at the end of the day you're still single and don't *need* that person. A great lot of you are thinking, in that very moment "Well, if nothing else works out, I'll still have ______." Yeah. You're not the only one thinking that.

The End
You may or may not still be talking to each other at this point, but you'll likely be Facebook friends, have each other in your cell phones, and possibly even ask mutual friends about the other every once and awhile- in a platonic, simply asking about your well-being sort of way. But when there is a relationship going on, the other will always know about it. They will know about it, and they will think about constantly.
How did Billy get my toy again? You're out drinking with one of your buddies and in she walks, looking like sin itself wearing red satin that you're pretty sure used to be the sheets you fucked her on. Everything about her is perfect, and your heart is racing in your chest as you remember the things the two of you did. Then someone else has his arm around her, and she's introducing you to 'him', and you're 'my friend'.

And that never goes away.

And you will *always* remember everything good about every relationship you've ever really been a part of. You will always have a hard time remembering why you didn't stay together, or what went wrong. You might blame yourself. You might ask each other what went wrong from time to time.

But stop being a selfish dick and let it go. Don't be friends on Facebook. It'll break your heart. Don't virtually stalk people just to see if they might have posted something about you. Don't accidentally run into each other in places either one of you frequents. I promise you, if you try really hard, you'll remember exactly what went wrong.

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